Choices

Almost daily, as therapist, we both deal with clients who have a common problem. They are in love with being a victim. This is not only a crippling position for relationships, but it is the epitome of a life that is stuck and sinking rapidly.

What is a victim? The easiest understanding of victim thinking is this: Who or what do you blame for the circumstances in your life? A victim will find outside people, places, or events to blame for their current problems or life trouble. A healthy, non-victim will realize that all life is simply a series of choices and our place in our life today is a result of choices we made yesterday.

A client presented a problem to us concerning a relationship she was having with a man she was dating for some time. She believed the problem was his request for her to spend more time with his family as they were a very important part of his life.  She was an only child in a tremendously dysfunctional family, and had no desire to be involved in his “family” functions. This dilemma had been going on for months and was beginning to take a toll on the relationship. She felt that he was being way too dogmatic and was ruining her life and their future.

The victim thinking she presented was simply “He is wrong and is destroying my life.” Our position was, “you have made a choice to be with this man even though he clearly told you he wanted a close relationship with his family. It is your choice to stay with him and he is not ruining your life. Your choice is simply not one that fits into your expectations.

As always, when we confront a victim with a sense of reality, the client has a tendency to dislike our input, and often responds with anger.  Most victim thinkers will respond with anger if they are made to be accountable for their own lives.   What is your thinking about your current (or past ) relationship? Are you blaming your partner for your discomfort, or do you take responsibility for your choices?

Examples:

  1. He doesn’t seem to care about what I want. He makes me so angry.
  2. She is so demanding. No matter what I do it is not good enough. She make me unhappy.
  3.  He is a slob and never picks up after himself. He drives me crazy.

Why are these victim thoughts – because no person can make us feel or act in ways that are negative unless we allow them to do it.  If the person is doing something I don’t like, then I have a choice. If I stay in the relationship, then I better just get used to the thing I don’t like. If I really can’t stand it, then make a choice to get out of the relationship, but don’t blame them for your emotions. It is simply your choice. The choices we made yesterday provide the life we experience today.

Let us know what you think about this, but don’t get angry, that is how a victim would react, and you don’t want to be a victim.   Dr. Jan and Dr. T

One of my books, Off The Hook, explores this type of choice and the difficulties of not playing “Victim” in daily life.   Click here to see more information.

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Enjoy the Journey

I was watching a man in a kayak the other day. The tide was going out and he was trying to come in, without much luck.

He would paddle for all he was worth, and make some headway, then when he had to rest, he went backward to where he started.

I’ve been there several times in my life, not in a kayak, just in circumstances.

When I was younger, I used to think I had to paddle harder, but I never seemed to get where I wanted.

Now life has taught me to pull over to the side, enjoy the day and wait for the tide to change.

Seem to be getting where I want to go a lot faster and with a lot more fun.

In my book FOREVER YOURS, a couple explores the adventure of life from college in the 60’s to retirement in the 2000’s. Of all my books, this is the one I enjoyed writing the most as it was about my generation’s journey. Take a look at Amazon to see all my books. BookCoverPreview.do

Harmony in Life

balance

I was with this person the other day who just didn’t like anything. I mean anything. Didn’t like getting up, going to bed, walking, riding, etc. They just thought life sucked. It’s sad when you meet people like that, but sometimes you just need to leave them alone before they pull you down in the mud with them.

Over the years I’ve learned to try to balance my thinking by going to the opposite thought. Looking around me I realized that life has a harmony about it. If there is a right, there has to be a left. If there is up, there is going to be down. Front, back; in, out. You get the picture.

So if I am feeling down about something, I need to balance it with an up thought. For example, I messed up something the other day and proclaimed to myself, “I’m an idiot.” At the moment, the statement had some merit, but it was only half the story. My balance statement was “I’m very cleaver.” Both statements are true, so why just dwell in the negative? There are probably a lot of things we have done wrong in our life, so isn’t it refreshing to know we have done so many good things too. 

One of my thoughts during my journey was the desire to write a book. It took fifty years to finally balance “I can’t write a book,” with the thought “I can write a book.” It brought such harmony I wrote several. Check out my progress (Click Here).
BOOK FLYER

Simple truths

 

    This is wheat. Wheat produces seeds which when planted in the ground produce more wheat. If you plant wheat, you will not harvest corn, you will harvest wheat. It is a simple lesson in sowing and reaping.


    This is anger. Anger produces seeds which when planted in the universe around you will produce more anger. If you plant anger, you will not harvest peace, you will harvest anger.


This is a negative attitude. Negative attitudes produce seeds which when planted in the universe around you will produce more negativity. You can’t plant negativity and expect positive harvest.

Simple lessons in sowing and reaping .  This is my new series: 

If you read it you will have great joy  and so will I. (click here)

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Living in the Now

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Today is a great day. It is the only today I will ever have because it will become yesterday when I reach tomorrow.

 I have concluded that if I spend too much time thinking about yesterday, I will not enjoy today.

 On the other hand, if I spend all my time worrying about tomorrow, I will once again not enjoy today. 

So my intention is to simply enjoy today! So far – so good. 

Want a good stress free way to enjoy today? – try my award winning book Forever Yours. 

 A couple explores the adventure of life from college in the 60’s to retirement in the 2000’s. Of all my books, this is the one I enjoyed writing the most as it was about my generation’s journey. Take a look at Amazon to see all my books.

What is, is!

Listened to some people the other day as they talked about their lives.

Seemed to me they were spending a lot of time worrying about what might happen in the future, and then filled the spaces in between with being depressed about what had happened in the past.

I decided two things,

 1. I didn’t want to listen to them anymore

 2. It is a lot better if we just live with three words,  What is, is.

Can’t change the past, and sure don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that right now, what is, is. If you continue this thought, you will also realize the another truth is “This too shall pass”.

So there are now 7 words for peaceful living; “What is, is” and “This too shall pass.” This leaves me in a place where only the current moment exists and as far as I am concerned, it is good.

In my book FOREVER YOURS, a couple explores the adventure of life from college in the 60’s to retirement in the 2000’s. Of all my books, this is the one I enjoyed writing the most as it was about my generation’s journey. Take a look at Amazon to see all my books. BookCoverPreview.do

 

 

Feeling Small

IMG_0754 A few days each week, I journey into Manhattan NY. I do this to earn a living, not because I love Manhattan. I used to love being in the city, but those days are over. It isn’t exciting anymore, it is just busy, noisy, and really dirty. Some tell me it is because I’m getting too old to enjoy the city, but I think I’m just getting too smart to have to put up with chaos and pretend to enjoy it. To those who love the fast life, I am happy you have a place to go.

Frankly, when I’m in the city I feel very small. There are probably ten million people all around me, most of them moving at a pace that defies understanding. The huge buildings preclude sunshine, which I am sure is not the best for the human race. 

Went to the Grand Canyon once and really felt small there too. But it was a good feeling of being awe struck instead of being struck by a taxi. I know we all have our personal preferences and I am happy this beautiful planet provides so much diversity. The exploration of our life is also a place of diversity and if we can simply enjoy the moment we are in, then the journey becomes quite an exciting adventure. I simply like my adventure more when I’m away from the city. 

In my book FOREVER YOURS, a couple explores the adventure of life from college in the 60’s to retirement in the 2000’s. Of all my books, this is the one I enjoyed writing the most as it was about my generation’s journey. Take a look at Amazon to see all my books. BookCoverPreview.do